This is an excerpt, the first 16 pages
RETURN OF THE AMAZING BUCKEROOS is "a musical cowboy murder mystery" featuring an original score of 12 songs, with the cast of seven providing the musical accompaniment. When the legendary western/cowboy band The Amazing Buckeroos (think Sons Of The Pioneers) reunite after an acrimonious 20-year hiatus, the past attacks the present, and someone ends up dead. Who's the murderer? One of the surviving Buckeroos, all of whom have various axes to grind? The soon-to-be-ex-wife-before-she-became-the-widow? The new, ridiculously younger goth girlfriend? The prison matron? The nephew facing financial ruin? Or...a member of The Amazing Buckeroos fan club (i.e., the audience)? And, while all the above is sorted out, the Buckeroos, their friends, and their families sing and play a dozen songs that lovingly both evoke and spoof the western cowboy music tradition.
RETURN OF THE AMAZING BUCKEROOS
A Musical Cowboy Murder Mystery
Book by John Vornholt
Music/Lyrics by Mark Browning Milner
This version assumes the setting is a traditional theater, but the show could easily be performed as dinner theater in a hotel ballroom, restaurant, or saloon with cabaret seating. In that case, an act break is suggested on page 20 for serving the main entree, if desired. In either case, serving booze is highly recommended. All rights reserved.
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Dramatis Personae:
DICK KELLER - 65-70 - tenor. Band member who gets murdered. Had a hefty life insurance policy and seized control of the song royalties that belonged to the THE AMAZING BUCKEROOS. Has a soon-to-be ex-wife and a fiancée. (Dick appears only as a kick-around corpse, but he should have a fake actor’s name in the program.)
ORSON ROSS - 65-70 - baritone. The artiste of the group, worried about the purity of the music and the band’s image. Vain over his looks and voice, and jealous of the other Buckeroos.
CURLY KING - 65-70 - baritone/tenor. Always broke, gambling problem, drinking problem, yet he has always made the cowgirls moo. He gets a work release from prison to do the concert and is conducted in with restraints, a’la Hannibal Lector.
PETE PORTER - 65-70 - baritone/bass. Jealous because he's the newest member of the band, so he isn't "official" yet. He's been waiting 20 years to play enough gigs to become a full band member.
EARNEST ROSS - 45 - baritone. ORSON’s nephew, who has taken on the Herculean task of resurrecting the Buckeroos after 20 years. He is secretly in love with BOBBIE.
BOBBIE KELLER - 55 - soprano. Soon-to-be ex-wife of DICK, she’s a singer who had a couple of hits. Although she puts on the brave front of the wronged wife, she’s secretly in love with EARNEST. She needs DICK KELLER to die before he divorces her to make sure she gets the gravy.
VELVET LARUE - 30 - alto. This sexy Goth singer is DICK’s fiancée, and she really has it in for BOBBIE, because she thinks BOBBIE is scheming to deny her DICK’s loot. Good thing DICK is enamored of her French maid outfit. Plus she’s taken out lots of life insurance on him.
CORRECTIONS OFFICER CONNIE BOYKIN - 40 - alto. Feisty street-smart officer of the law. Can also sing.
NARRATOR - Heard in short film about the band.
COSTUMING: Dress cowboy.
MUSICAL NOTES: Instrumentation for a cowboy band (i.e. Sons of the Pioneers) would usually consist of guitar, bass, and fiddle. An accordion, banjo, mandolin, steel guitar, or harmonica wouldn’t be out of place, and a couple of side musicians could be inserted. Barebones would be good singers and one or two guitars, because harmonious singing and lone prairies are the true trademarks of a Western band.
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AT RISE
The stage is set with musical instruments, microphones, amps, speakers, and everything needed for a band to perform. A large banner on the wall declares, “RETURN OF THE AMAZING BUCKEROOS!”
WORK and HOUSE LIGHTS are ON, not show lights, because our play starts before the official concert begins.
RECEPTION
If possible, the audience is plied with alcohol in the lobby and greeted in character by EARNEST, BOBBIE, and ORSON. They treat the audience as if they are members of the Amazing Buckeroos' Fan Club, who have long awaited this reunion. VELVET makes an entrance, greeting people, and sits in a reserved seat in the front row. The play actually begins under the house lights before the concert officially begins.
(EARNEST nervously checks his watch and turns to ORSON.)
EARNEST: Uncle Orson, where is Dick?
ORSON: How the hell do I know? Didn't he fly into town by private jet? Did his limo driver get lost?
EARNEST: Bobbie! Where is he? Where is Dick?
BOBBIE: How do I know?
ORSON: You're only his wife. Where is he?
(BOBBIE points to VELVET.)
BOBBIE: His girlfriend is sitting right over there. Why don't you ask her?
EARNEST: Velvet, where is Dick?
VELVET: (INNOCENTLY) How would I know? We're just friends.
BOBBIE: You always know how to find Dick.
VELVET: And you always know how to lose it.
EARNEST: Bobbie, when was the last time you saw him.
BOBBIE: 8:30 this morning, when I left for the office.
EARNEST: Velvet, when was the last time you saw Dick?
VELVET: Why, 8:32!
BOBBIE: How low can you go!
VELVET: Dick knows.
(VELVET rises from her seat and strolls on stage.)
BOBBIE: What did you do with my husband?
VELVET: Do you want a list?
EARNEST: Come on, Velvet, this is serious! All these people are here to see the Amazing Buckeroos. They've been waiting twenty years!
VELVET: Then they can wait another twenty minutes.
EARNEST: Please, where is Dick?
VELVET: He might have gone shopping for me.
BOBBIE: For some better boobs?
VELVET: No, these are working out just fine.
ORSON: Velvet, I believe we’ve met. I'm Orson Ross, the creative genius behind the Buckeroos.
VELVET: Dick said you would say that. He said you're always bragging.
ORSON: (ANGRY) I'm the one who started the Buckeroos.
VELVET: If you're such a genius, how come Dick had to write all the songs.
ORSON: He didn't write all the songs! He just stole all the rights to them! Julius Embree wrote the songs.
VELVET: Who?
BOBBIE: The dead Buckeroo.
VELVET: Oh, him.
ORSON: Dick just stole the rights.
EARNEST: Now, now, Uncle Orson, we’re not here tonight to rehash old grievances. We're here to give the people what they want -- the first concert of the Amazing Buckeroos in 20 years!
(TO THE AUDIENCE, EGGING THEM ON)
Am I right? You want to see some Buckeroos!
(When the audience cheers, ORSON waves as if it’s for him.)
ORSON: Dear Nephew, when you set up this gig. I told you it was insane. I told you these other morons wouldn't cooperate. The Buckeroos aren't amazing -- they're dumb!
VELVET: I could've told you that. Who wants to hear a bunch of old cowboy songs?
BOBBIE: A bunch of old cowgirls.
VELVET: Besides, you spelled Buckeroos wrong. There’s supposed to be an “A” in it, not an “E.”
ORSON: It’s like the Beatles!
EARNEST: Stop arguing, you two! Uncle Orson, I have to ask — can you play the concert without Dick?
VELVET: They can play with their dicks.
BOBBIE: Velvet, you are not being very helpful. We all know Dick doesn't need the money from this concert, or a tour, but these other guys do.
EARNEST: Not to mention all the money I’ve put out that I would like to get back. So, Uncle, can you guys play without Dick?
ORSON: We haven't had a rehearsal, so I don't know if we can play at all. How drunk is the audience? If they’re real drunk, we might sound better.
EARNEST: Can you play without Curly?
ORSON: Why?
EARNEST: He's not here either.
ORSON: See, I told you! This band is unprofessional, unruly, and unpunctual. And most of them can't play a lick!
EARNEST: Uncle, the audience is watching.
VELVET: Curly? He's the cute one, isn't he? Where is he?
EARNEST: That's complicated.
BOBBIE: Earnest, you can sing and play an instrument, can’t you?
EARNEST: (DOUBTFUL) Mmmm, maybe.
ORSON: But he’s not a Buckeroo! Pete is backstage, but I’m the only real Buckeroo here. If Dick doesn't show up soon, I'm gonna kill him!
BOBBIE: No, I'm gonna kill him!
VELVET: You'd like that, wouldn't you? If you kill Dick before he can marry me, you think you'll get all his money! I know your game, girlfriend.
BOBBIE: I have good lawyers -- I'm going to get all his money, anyway.
VELVET: Well, I took out a new life insurance policy on my Dick, and I get millions no matter what you get.
BOBBIE: Then you have good reason to kill him, too.
VELVET: Hmmm. I guess I do.
ORSON: Oh, this is hopeless. I'll be in my dressing room, spritzing my throat.
(ORSON exits, singing a scale.)
VELVET: I'd go back into the audience, but it doesn't look like there's going to be a show.
BOBBIE: Earnest, can't you do something?
EARNEST: I'd do anything for you, Bobbie. You've been such a big help in this reunion, I want it to succeed just for you, and my uncle. Yes, I will do something!
VELVET: What?
EARNEST: I’m going to walk outside and scream.
(CONNIE BOYKIN, in the uniform of a correctional officer, enters from the outer door and walks down the aisle. She wears a utility belt with a gun, nightstick, mace, etc.)
CONNIE: Is there an Earnest Ross here?
EARNEST: Yes, that's me! I'm Earnest.
CONNIE: I've got a delivery for you.
EARNEST: Now?
CONNIE: Hey, I just take 'em where they tell me. Just a second.
(CONNIE walks out and returns, pushing a two-wheeled cart which contains a handcuffed and chained CURLY KING, a’la Hannibal Lector in "Silence of the Lambs." He is dressed in prison orange.)
VELVET: (SCREAMS) It's Curly King!
(CONNIE stops the cart and removes the chains. CURLY has wild hair and is a bit twitchy, but he still has an eye for the ladies. He flirts with the audience.)
CURLY: Hiya, baby. It's good to be back. You know, I was in jail for an awfully long time, and it was hard. A lot. But I did learn how to make a tattoo with a toothbrush. Do you want to see it?
EARNEST: Bobbie, quick! Go tell the Buckeroos they're on.
(BOBBIE exits.)
CURLY: (to a woman in the audience) Do you have any tattoos?
EARNEST: Curly! Why don't you go backstage with the rest of the Amazing Buckeroos, and we'll give you a proper introduction.
CONNIE: I have to go where he goes.
EARNEST: Who are you again?
CONNIE: Corrections officer Connie Boykin, at your service. Mr. King is just out on loan tonight. I have to take him home after the concert.
CURLY: I told Connie that I might need some correcting. After all, I might try to smuggle something back into jail. Then Connie would have to give me a full-body cavity search.
CONNIE: That's why I brought my nightstick. Remember, lover boy, your parole hearing is next month, and they'll be carefully reading my report about your behavior tonight.
CURLY: Yes, I know. Hey, I want to get Dick to testify at the hearing, too. Where is Dick?
EARNEST: He's running late, but we're starting without him.
VELVET: Who needs Dick? Hello, Curly, I'm Velvet. What can I do for you?
CURLY: I'd like a vodka martini with double olives.
CONNIE: He can't drink.
EARNEST: So I've heard. The booze has all been put away. Look, Officer Connie, please find a seat, and we'll start this show. Before we have to give any money back.
CURLY: What am I doing here?
VELVET: You sing cowboy songs, remember?
CURLY: I can't believe I'm playing with the Amazing Buckeroos again.
(BEAT)
The ones who deserted me in my time of need, and let me swing for a crime I didn't commit.
VELVET: Yeah, those are the ones.
EARNEST: Please, Velvet, take Officer Boykin here and find a seat. Curly, do you recognize your instrument over there? When I introduce you, you run over and grab it.
CURLY: Can I grab a girl instead?
EARNEST and CONNIE: No!
(VELVET and CONNIE take nearby seats. EARNEST rushes to a microphone, and the LIGHTS DIM.)
CONNIE: Don't you be turning out the lights!
CURLY: Yeah, I get nightmares in the dark.
EARNEST: It's okay, Curly.
CURLY: If I had a girl with me...
EARNEST: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce -- after a twenty-year hiatus -- the return of the Amazing Buckeroos!
(LIGHTS UP. From now on, the show is under theatrical lights. ORSON and PETE, and any SIDE MUSICIANS, enter and take their places. BOBBIE also returns to sit nearby.)
EARNEST: Orson Ross! (BEAT) Curly King! (BEAT) And Pete Porter!
(VELVET leads the audience in applause.)
CURLY: How come you guys never visited in me in prison?
PETE: I lost your address.
CURLY: At least I still have more hair than you.
PETE: You call that hair?
CURLY: Are you officially in the band yet, Pete?
PETE: No! You can't be an official Buckeroo until you've been in the band for twenty-five years. So I played with you idiots for fifteen years, then you went on hiatus for twenty! I'm over-qualified by five years.
ORSON: You need to be voted in unanimously. That means we need Dick.
PETE: Where is Dick?
ORSON: We're Dickless. Let’s play, anyway.
CURLY: There's Orson -- still bossing people around. Hiya, Orson.
ORSON: You being in jail didn't help to get this reunion together.
CURLY: You know I was innocent, right? Dick framed me. He was jealous because I always got the most women. Remember when they would throw their panties on stage at my feet.
PETE: Now they throw their Spanx.
CURLY: I'd like to get back at that guy.
BOBBIE: Me too!
ORSON: Get in line.
PETE: Maybe that's why he isn't here.
EARNEST: Uh! Come on, gentlemen, we're not here to rehash those old grievances. Are we gonna start off with your big hits?
ORSON: Yeah, grab an instrument and get in here.
(If the band needs Earnest to play, he grabs an instrument. If not, scratch that line.)
ORSON: (TO AUDIENCE) This one was a big hit fifty years ago — “Hoe-down In The Bunkhouse”!
SONG #1
(NB - the lyrics herein include the chord changes, as well as capo placement for guitar;
so, for example, “Hoe-down” is in the key of C, but the guitarist plays in the key of G with the capo on the fifth fret)
Hoe-Down In The Bunkhouse
(capo 5th - key of C)
(lead vocal - Orson, background vocals - Curly & Pete)
Intro = G C/G G C/G G C/G G (let ring)
G
Well, work was done, ‘twas time for fun
D7
For the cowpokes on the ranch
And all the boys whooped up some noise
G (walkup)
Kickin’ off an avalanche
C
Of songs ’n’ booze ’n’ cards ’n’ cooze
G
Each looser than the last
A7
But when a floozy got slipped a doozy
D7 Am7 D7
She went down mighty fast
G (walkup) C
There was a hoe-down in the bunkhouse
G
A hoe-down in the bunkhouse
D7
That workin’ gal just tripped and fell (“fal” - rhymes with “gal”)
G C/G G
And landed on her nose
(walkup) C
When there’s a hoe-down in the bunkhouse
G
A hoe-down in the bunkhouse
D7
Two-step ‘roun’ her frilly gown
(D7) G C/G G C/G G C/G G (let ring)
But doncha get too close
Now, on the floor that two-bit whore
Was snorin’ to beat the band
Her name was Bess, she was a mess
Butcha gotta understand
We knew we ought not clear that spot
She’d been down there before
One-eyed Jake made that mistake
So we just let her snore
She was a…(CHORUS)
Then, in the morning without a warning
The sun slapped ev’ry face
With achin’ heads we left our beds
And stumbled ‘round the place
Our good-time girls got their fake pearls
And dresses from the floor
We’d gone berserk, now back to work
But we tiptoed out the door
Cuz of that hoe-down in the bunkhouse
That hoe-down in the bunkhouse
She looked a fright, out like a light
When the range we went to roam
We left a hoe-down in the bunkhouse
A hoe-down in the bunkhouse
We rode at dawn, but hope she’s gone
By the time we get back home
She was a hoe-down in the bunkhouse
A hoe-down in the bunkhouse
That workin’ gal just tripped and fell
And landed on her nose
When there’s a hoe-down in the bunkhouse
A hoe-down in the bunkhouse
Two-step ‘roun’ her frilly gown
But doncha get too close
D7 G
Ya see she’s one of those
D7 G
Who thrills you to your toes
(etc)
But aggravates your woes
Best just let her doze
Hope that picker knows
We don’t need no banjos
Am D7 G C/G G C/G G C/G G (let ring)
And that’s the way it goes
PETE: I like those lyrics.
ORSON: Hey, we still got it! Who needs Dick?
VELVET: We do! (LEADING THE AUDIENCE) We want Dick! We want Dick! We want Dick!
BOBBIE: I've got Dick!
VELVET: Since when?
BOBBIE: I mean, I got a text from him! He'll be here in ten minutes.
ORSON: Oh, so he has to make his big entrance. That's so... Dickish.
PETE: Well, I'm not going to be playing in the middle of a song when Dick waltzes in.
(CURLY flirts with women in the audience.)
CURLY: While I was gone, I missed my saddle tramps.
ORSON: I bet you did. Go ahead, Curly, tell them the tale.
SONG #2
Saddle Tramps
(capo 5th - key of C)
(lead vocal - Curly, background vocals - Orson & Pete)
Intro = D C/D C#/D D C (walkdown) G
G D7
I’ll sing you a song ‘bout some ladies I know
D7 G
Mostly for service, they ain’t much for show
(walkup) C
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
G
Love saddle tramps
D7
Sometimes they’re scoundrels
D7 G
Sometimes they’re scamps
Dm7 G7
Always the bridesmaid
(G7)(walkup) C A9/C#
Never the bri—yide
D C/D C#/D D C (walkdown) G
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Love ‘em and leave ‘em and love ‘em again
Hop on that carousel that ain’t got no end
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
Sometimes they’re vixens
Sometimes they’re vamps
Sometimes Doctor Jeckyl
Sometimes Mister Hy—yide
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Their love comes easy but it don’t come free
Them there’s the rules and that’s alright by me
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
Sometimes they’re losers
Sometimes they’re champs
Whatever they told you
Pardner they li—yied
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
They’re ladies to whom you would not tip your hat
Behind their closed doors it’s a tit for a tat
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
Sometimes in cabins
Sometimes in camps
Good times, bad times
Take both in stri—yide
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Might think I’d tire of playing this game
Sir, you’d be wrong, it’s an eternal flame
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
Turn down the bedsheets
Turn down the lamps
Pull down your britches
Unbutton your pri—yide
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Yessir I’d like to someday settle down
But till I find her I’m goin’ to town
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
U.S.D.A. Prime
You can search for the stamps
Open the chute gate
Then come insi—yide
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Gonna keep ridin’ I can’t tell you why
Gonna keep ridin’ till I up and die
Saddle tramps, saddle tramps
Love saddle tramps
Climb up their mountains
Slide down their ramps
Never a stranger
Won’t need a gui—yide
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
Am7 D7 C G
Saddle ‘em up and go for a ride
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PETE: Are you guys telling me that all these songs belong to Dick, even though Julius wrote them?
ORSON: Yeah, it’s a long story. We fought Dick in court for twenty years. We beat it like a…
CURLY: Dead horse.
PETE: That sounds like a song cue.
SONG #3
Dead Horse
(capo 3rd - Eb)
(lead vocal - Pete, background vocals - Curly & Orson)
Intro = C
C F C
They rode into town on a Saturday night
(C) G7
Annie Oakley and her pal Cocaine Kate
C F C
They were ridin’ a dead horse and it didn’t seem right
(C) G7 C
But the warning it came much too late
F C
They were looking for trouble that was clear to be seen
G7 E7
They were looking for someone to hurt
F C
When Mad John and I stumbled from the latrine
G7 Bb/C F/C C
And fell flat on our faces in the dirt (We kissed the dirt)
(C) A7 Dm C/E F G7 C
Yippee ai oh ki ay (Hey! Hey!) yippee kai ay oh kay
They rode that dead horse to the Red Eye Saloon
And tied its limp reins to the post
Kate said to Annie, “Who are those sad buffoons?”
And that’s when I loved her the most
Annie walked over, said, “Bozos, let’s go…
“There ain’t no more time left to think”
So Mad John and I picked ourselves up real slow
And followed those gals for a drink (A nice strong drink)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
The Red Eye was packed with a boisterous crowd
When Annie and Kate hit the door
Then all of them cowboys stopped talkin’ so proud
And I heard a pin hit the floor
Annie said, “Barkeep, the next round’s on me
“If these hombres their poison will name”
But they stared right past her at Mad John and me
As if we were the ones they should blame (We got the blame)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
The barkeep he sputtered and went back to work
And he urged all the rest do the same
Annie and Kate sauntered up to that jerk
With a pride that befitted their fame
Kate said, “Hey, buster, didja hear what she said?
“Or are you really as dumb as you look?
“Set up them drinks quick or you’ll find yourself dead
“Like a worm at the end of my hook” (Miz Captain Hook)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Well, the whiskey was sweet and the music was fast
The barkeep had a bad case of lice
Mad John was drinkin’ like a man with no past
But I just kept chewin’ my ice
I danced with Kate and I held her real close
Feelin’ the warmth of her knife
Mad John fell down and he bloodied his nose
And I started to fear for his life (His sorry life)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Mad John and I, we awoke in a ditch
Gone were our boots and our gold
At the Red Eye the dead horse was gone from its hitch
And the wind from the south it was cold
Mad John looked off to the north with a laugh
Said, “The snow will be here before long”
In the Red Eye we borrowed three bucks and a half
And we drank all day singin’ this song (Let’s sing the song)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
Yippee…(CHORUS)
(C) A7 Dm C/E F G7 Bb/C F/C C
Yippee ai oh ki ay (Hey! Hey!) yippee kai ay oh kay
BOBBIE: Dick is here!
PETE: It's about time.
BOBBIE: He's just parking in the back.